We have been
lucky to discover several previously lost diaries of French philosopher
Jean-Paul Sartre stuck in between the cushions of our office sofa. These
diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed not with the void, but with food.
Apparently Sartre, before discovering philosophy, had hoped to write "a
cookbook that will put to rest all notions of flavor forever." The diaries
are excerpted here for your perusal.
October 3
Spoke with Camus today about
my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement.
I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun
my formula for a Denver omelet.
October 4
Still working on the omelet.
There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another,
like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow,
like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness
of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the
plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off.
It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.
October 6
I have realized that the
traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making
one out of cigarette, some coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux,
who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long.
October 10
I find myself trying ever
more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow
express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe:
Tuna Casserole
Ingredients: 1 large casserole
dish
Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light.
While a void is expressed
in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle.
How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole
and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustated.
October 25
I have been forced to abandon
the project of producing an entire cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single
recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of man in a world ruled
by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater with at least one ingredient
from each of the four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred
pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen,
refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a recipe
calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, and a leek.
While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead.
November 15
Today I made a Black Forest
cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live beaver, challenging the
very definition of the word cake. I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired
it greatly, but could not stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may
be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it in the
Betty Crocker Bake-Off.
November 30
Today was the day of the
Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped. During the judging, the
beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker on the wrist. The beaver's
powerful jaws are capable of felling blue spruce in less than ten minutes
and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the tender limbs of
America's favorite homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am now
the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit.
December 1
I have been gaining twenty-five
pounds a week for two months, and I am now experiencing light tides. It
is stupid to be so fat. My pain and ultimate solitude are still as authentic
as they were when I was thin, but seem to impress girls far less. From
now on, I will live on cigarettes and black coffee.