The Very Model of a Humanist-Historian
to the tune of "Modern Major General," Gilbert & Sullivan

By Edward Segel

I am the very model of a Humanist-Historian,
The total scope of scholarship is something that I glory in.
I ride the range of history and set the law for lesser men,
Of true Kulturgeschichte I'm the sole surviving specimen.
To one with my capacious mind the Greeks present no mysteries -
Without a pause I explicate their problematic histories.
I straighten out the errors of that amateur Thucydides,
And split the finest hairs explaining philosophic quiddities.

I'm pleased to rescue Pericles in matters constitutional,
And then surpass Demosthenes in manner elocutional.
In poetry I clarify the Attic from the Dorian -
I am the very model of a Humanist-Historian.

The sophomores I entertain with stories of the Old Regime,
I bring its glories back to life as if in some nostalgic dream.
I dote on the aristocrats, and savour their douceur de vivre -
Their "decent drapery of life" is something only I can weave.
I second-guess philosophers with criticism textual;
My lecture's laced with anecdotes appropriately sexual.
Around it all I weave a web of scholarly embroidery --
When all else fails, psychologize with subtle Sigmund-Freudery.

If Gladstone and Disraeli had my wisdom magisterial,
Britannia could have waived the rules and saved her jewels imperial.
I miss those days which I could choose to be a Whig or Tory in -
I am the very model of a Humanist-Historian.